Emotions

The last was very emotional. My husband submitted his retirement papers and figured out how many days left he has to work – less than a month! Forever, end of his career. 29 years of it. Wow. We have talked about it for at least five years thinking about how far away it seemed. Now in what seems a blink of the eye, the time is here. I went to his station with our puppy and video taped him hitting the button on the computer, then we took a photo together. I started to cry and he told me not to so on the way home I cried the whole time. The emotions were all over, sadness, relief, uncertainty, selfishness, relief again. With him retiring, that means the end of my career is near. Am I ready? I thought so, now I am not sure, but I know it’s time to move on. It’s so exciting, scary, exhilarating, nerve wrecking all rolled into one.

Then this weekend I decided that Thanksgiving really wasn’t happening in our house (we have no one home to celebrate with – our kids are in Arizona and the cousin we celebrate with is in Florida for the holiday) so out came the Christmas decorations. It was easier this year to put everything up, I took pictures last year, so I just referenced those. So, this year I actually took the time to think about what I was putting out. The Precious Moments collection that my mom started for me that I continue to this day. My mom has been gone for 8 years already. She died right after Christmas in 2012. The Kmart bears that line my landing upstairs that I started collection in the 1980s when I worked there. Now Kmart is closed so no more bears for me. All the Santa photos of my kids (and now grandkids) that are framed that I put all over the house. The ornaments that I started collecting when we started the tradition of going to the Christkindl Market so many years ago. I have so many, I couldn’t find enough places to put them. Now with the kids gone and the COVID, I won’t be able to get an ornament this year. We also have all of the cups from the mulled wine that we would get at the Market every year. The line the kitchen cabinets and shelves and this year I started with a new tradition of putting them on the kitchen table in a tiered holder. I cried while decorating too this year. It will be our last year in this house that I’ve called home for 24 years.

So many things are ending and yet so many new beginnings are starting. The emotions are all over the board for me right now and I am trying to roll with them and absorb them and reflect on them. I am sitting on my front porch, crying, while my husband sits in the other chair just oblivious to what I am typing and why I am crying! The new normal for us – he and I together on this porch until we move and sit on a different porch!